Moving

It has begun. We’re moving.  It would be nice to say we’re moving in. But we’re just moving out.

Unemployment paid me a surprise visit a few months ago. At first it was just over-nighting. (Or so I thought). Then it was passing through. Then all of a sudden, it lived here. Food was less, bills were more and my unwelcomed visitor just won’t leave. We tried to work with it. We tried working around it. But unemployment just doesn’t work.

The financial strain of living on less requires a new strategy. Otherwise we’ll soon be looking for a creative strategy for living on none.  So, we’re moving out. We’re leaving our home of almost 10 years. This was our first place. We’ve had our best parties, arguments, kisses and Christmases here. And now it’s all crammed into boxes and bags. The rooms are empty. The walls are naked. The cabinets are bare. My heart is broken.

I can’t help but feel the full weight of responsibility for this unscheduled shift in our lives. I’m usually good at letting go. I don’t forget quickly, (my friends will nod here) because I’m cautious not to repeat past mistakes, but I do forgive. (Friends, you should also nod here). Up until now, I thought I’d succeeded. I thought I’d let go of being let go. But as I look around at cold floors once warmed by soft rugs and empty windows once draped by heavy curtains I made myself, I am angry.  I am hurt. My heart is heavy. My fists are firm. My jaw is clenched. And I’m afraid I don’t like you very much. (You know who you are.) I shall have to start over. Anger and heartache won’t let me heal, so now my soul must move, as I do.

When we packed in preparation to move, things first had to be sorted. Over time there are many things. Things you accumulate in duplicate, things you were given, things you bought, things lost, things found, things you love but don’t use, things you use but don’t love. Not all of these things you’ll take with you. Most things you warily wrap, precociously package and lovingly label. These things you’ll keep. But some things will be thrown away. Bagged and left by the curb for collection.

Likewise, I am moving inwardly. I’ve completed my sorting. The knowledge I gained and friends I’ve made, I take with me.  But the rest… The disappointment, the anger, the hurt, the frustration, the confusion, the doubt, the self pity, the tears, the sleeplessness, the heartache, the worry, the whys, the whynots, the past and you, I throw away. I do not like you, but I forgive you. I won’t forget you, but I’ve already bagged you and left you at the curb for collection. Because I am moving. Moving out. And moving on. It has begun.

Had a Bad Day

You roll-over, still in the caressing embraces of slumber, snuggle your face into the pillow and readjust the comforter around you, making sure to cover your slightly chilled ears. There is the soft beginnings of a smile on your face when you realize the alarm hasn’t sounded and you have just a few minutes more to enjoy this last moment of quiet solitude. You feel the creeping warmth of sunshine on your closed lids and before…wait. What was that? Sunshine? (Panic!) Your eyes fly open to find the alarm clock winking a slow taunting 12:00 back at you. (Dear Lord.) You try to reach something with your one free arm (the other is still under covers), anything to confirm the time. You reach the cell phone. (Gasp!).  But that can’t be right. Where is the watch? (Instant headache). You’re late! You throw the covers off and flee from bed, stumping your toe on your way to the bathroom. As you hobble into the shower in haste the water isn’t set quite right and you scald the leg with stumped toe. Retreating to try again the water is too cold but you don’t have the time to waste so you have a frosty shower. Drying off you remember immediately, you’re out of deodorant. (Sigh.) And so the day goes on.

Surely you’ve had one of these, or one something like it, one of those days when everything goes wrong, right from the start. We call them ‘bad days’, although usually ‘bad’ seems a poor, weak description of the mammoth failure of a day it has been. Hopefully, since you’ve been home there haven’t been many of these. For one thing, why bother to set the alarm anymore? But imagine a bad day where things go so wrong, other people die. And you get to live with it.

Yesterday Yahoo! News featured a story captioned “Titanic sunk by steering mistake, author says”. The story states that according to writer Louise Patten, granddaughter of Titanic’s second officer Charles Lightoller, were it not for an “error” in judgment, the infamous ship which sank in 1912 taking 1,517 people to their deaths, need not have sank as fast as it did. It was a “fatal mistake” that caused the ship to fully sink before rescue could arrive. Patten is quoted as saying "If Titanic had stood still, she would have survived at least until the rescue ship came and no one need have died". The author claims that her grandfather lived with the secret of the ill-fated decisions which truly led to the disaster, in order to save Titanic’s owners from bankruptcy and his colleagues from unemployment.

A fatal mistake, an error in judgment and 1,517 lives lost when “no one need have died”. Can there be a greater tragedy?

I can’t begin to image the constant inner turmoil of keeping such a secret for a week, far less, for years. If it is possible to prove the truth of these claims more than a century later, I commend Louise Patten for bringing the truth to light. It cannot have been an easy decision to intentionally sully her family’s name and grandfather’s memory. Especially when we could have easily lived on in ignorance. It is not as if the doom of the great ship was an unsolved mystery in need of solution. The truth could have lain forever with the ship at the bottom of the ocean and we'd be none the wiser.

I was relieved of my job without anyone asking if I thought I needed relief  from it and from time to time, I tend to wallow in my perceived injustice of it. Yesterday was one such day for me. I woke with a headache and used the opportunity to grump and frump around for most of the day. If asked I could easily chalk it up to a bad one. (Not that anyone  was asking). I will usually cut myself some slack when I fall into these personal pity parties. You and I know these moments of self-imposed grief are part of being unemployed and are also an essential part of our recovery process.  But after I read this article I realized that perhaps my bad day, was perhaps not that bad. The headache had passed, only I had failed to notice. And I had also failed to notice in my gloom, the many other but wonderful things around me I had to be grateful for. My day was in fact made bad, only because I choose to see it so. Unlike first officer William Murdoch, I still had time to recover from a bad decision. I could choose to make my day a good one.

While (clearly) I never knew him, my heart goes out to Charles Lightoller, for the grievous errors made, for the anguish of lives lost, for the burden of secrets kept and for the history to be rewritten about this once heroic icon, surely now turned villain, his was truly a bad day.

Perhaps in reflection your next bad day, may not seem so bad. And while, like I do, you may struggle with understanding why you’re not working, I hope  you can read this with a sense of peace. Knowing any mistakes you made on the job, or  any mistakes you were thought to have made, weren’t fatal. 

Today, I sincerely wish you a good day.

Reference: Read the full story by Mike Collett-White “Titanic sunk by steering mistake, author says”

How To Budget, When Broke.

I was spending time with a close friend of mine recently. (She reads my blog so I won't use her name). We were in the kitchen preparing a meal and having one of those lovely chats about nothing in particular and everything under the sun. The kind of random conversation that comes from years of true friendship. I observed while we were talking that she used a paper-towel to temporarily cover a plate. The sauce seeped through the paper-towel in patches and I recall my stomach made a low rumble of appreciation. Then my attention was diverted as the conversation resumed. A short time later however, meal contentedly consumed, (sauce and all), she proceeded to take the paper-towel wash it, rinse it and hang it over the oven handle to dry. And in that moment I loved her a little more, because I knew for sure, she was one of us. The broke on a budget.

The emotional state of the unemployed mind is the equivalent of Bill O’Reilly uncensored: highly petulant, often illogical and forever frustrating to the world at large. The one constant concern in that ever shifting brain, is money. Where will it come from, will it be enough and how soon can you get it? 

Because while you stopped working, the creditors didn’t and apparently neither did the mailman. The bills keep flowing  in from an open tap while the cash lies cremating in an expansive desert. And although the often insensitive people at the phone company may disagree, you still have to eat somehow.

By now you should be collecting unemployment benefits and notified and negotiated with your creditors. We talked about this before in Becoming Fearless. They’ve made adjustments to help you where possible and you’ve been juggling those payments best as you can. But there are things you learn only from experience, so here are a few things they didn’t tell you about managing the little money you do have, while you have it.

Pay your credit card first. Wait 24 hours so they record the payment. Then spend every cent you just deposited to pay the bills. This works best if you pay before the due date. You won’t have a late charge and there won’t be a non-payment fee. (Don't quote me on this. Seriously.)

Pay in full. If there is anything you can pay off fully, any small debts, clear them and get them out the way. The accomplishment will make you feel motivated and you’ll also have less to worry about.

Unsubscribe. Cable is not essential. Neither is your annual subscriptions to glossy magazines. None of them. For that matter, if you can get your local classifieds and top stories online, a daily newspaper is over rated. If you absolutely have to feel the paper in your hand, have a friend (who works) bring the extra newspaper home from their office. You’ll be a day behind but a few dollars richer a week. Then be sure to recycle the newspapers to make money on the recycling. You can get to your next eye appointment (once you’re working again) a few hours early and read the glossies at your leisure there for free. Or again, ask a friend. (Assuming you have a friend who can still afford to buy magazines). But go ahead and cancel all the extra stuff you don’t need.

Wash the paper-towels. It's the little things on the grocery list that add up pretty quickly so cut wherever you can. Some are pretty obvious, (replace expensive brands with cheaper ones), some take good old-fashioned street sense. Don’t cut toilet paper off your shopping list entirely (really, don’t) but re-think how much you use if you’re buying it weekly. If two squares will do, why use four? (Don’t answer). And you just need a pea sized amount of toothpaste, not a strip. Stop buying shaving cream and use your hair conditioner. Your legs will even look better for it. Do the little things. Easy does it. Use less, buy less, save more.

Savor the bitter taste of mauby. (Moo who?). You don’t need fresh juice or soda. Yes. I heard you gasp, sputter and moan. But you still don’t need it. I’m not unreasonable so I won’t say just drink water forever. (Tap of course). But to be honest, soda is unnecessary. (I’m sorry Pepsi. Apologies Coke). Get your caffeine fix from coffee if you have to. Canned juices can be just as refreshing as fresh. Plus they don’t expire and can be stretched with water. If you’re worried about the nutritional content, do your online research online before hitting the supermarket. But otherwise, a dash of mauby syrup, add water, stir and sip your way to savings.

Along that line, I recently read that frozen and canned fruits and vegetables can be just as nutritious as fresh. While fresh is still preferred, if it’s a difference of more than a dollar, frozen or canned will do the trick. Not to mention, you have a longer expiration date to play with so your dollar literally lasts longer. 

Pinch the pennies. Remember all that loose change you’ve been keeping in that old mayonnaise jar? You said it was for a rainy day. Guess what? It’s raining! You’ll have to be brave about this, all cashiers will eyeball you and the bold ones will suck their teeth for you to hear and roll their eyes for you to see. But take your loose change shopping. It’s money and there’s no shame in it. (Well, not much).  Don’t overdo this though, not everyone with take you on, especially if there’s a long line, so some bills are necessary. I’m yet to find someone willing to count along with me past $28.73 with nothing higher than a quarter. 

I’d love to hear what your record is. And if you have another way to save,  please, do tell.

Reference: Mauby - popular Caribbean drink made from tree bark

Reference: Fresh vs. Frozen or Canned - Healthcastle.com

The End of The Affair

How have you been since your affair has ended?

Does it seem an odd question? It isn’t meant to be. You have a relationship with your work. It is my sincere hope that your work was not your spouse, though for some of us, unfortunately, this might very well have been the case. But if you managed to have and maintain a relationship with another person, your work, was really your other lover.

It’s an intense relationship too, this affair. You set your alarm and wake to be together. And sometimes at night, you can hardly part to sleep. You’re together for an average of 8 hours day, but certainly no less than 4. Sometimes the compulsion is such that you forgo others and forget to eat when together. You recount the times you and work have shared with friends and mediate on what you’ll do the next time you meet.  How many have the privilege of relationships as fervent as this?

So it should therefore come as no surprise that when this affair has ended, you had some heart break. This is natural. We all feel this way when relationships end. There will be disappointment, sadness, betrayal, anger, regret, bitterness, loss, frustration, fear and feelings of lack of self-worth. And that’s just the first day. But most of us have had more than one relationship (don’t worry, we’re not keeping count here). So that means that somehow, we picked ourselves up, pulled ourselves together and tried again. 

First things first, you’ll need to recover, get over that old flame. Heal. Do this in your own way and at your own pace. That is, once your own time is 3 months or less. There are books, blogs, movies and magazines to help you through this, so use all the tools you can find. There’s even Dr. Phil. (Snicker). But you don’t have to take all your advice from one place, find the mix that works for you.  Personally I found it’s been a great time to focus on all my other affairs for awhile. You know, the ones with real people involved. Spend your former work hours with your spouse, your kids, your friends, your mum and of course, yourself. But that job relationship is over, so just let it go.

Go to the club. Not literally. But in the same way you go out to meet someone, you’re probably going to have to go out and find a new job. If one just lands in your lap, do share with the rest of us how to accomplish this. However, this is unlikely so start hunting. If you haven’t done so yet, read “It’s Hunting Season”.  If you read it already, a refresher might help. Get moving though, this is one time a rebound is healthy.

Looks aren’t everything, but you’re more likely to link eyes across a crowded room if those eyes aren’t full of greenish discharge. So get a make-over. There’s a new you waiting inside to come out. Hit the dating scene, that is, job interviews, looking your best. If you look better, you’ll feel better. I’ve taken to washing the dishes in heels and mascara. But I digress.

Looking hot helps, but if you’re not confident in your heels, you risk tripping. This means you’re going to need to boost that confidence back up. I’ve taken up yoga and this has helped me tremendously. Find what works for you. It may be something you’ve always done or it can be something you never thought you’d do. It can be really simple, like knitting (don’t knock it till you try it) or it can be invigorating, like mountain-climbing.

So there you are. The affair has ended. Such is life. Landing the right job is a lot like meeting the right person, it may take a few tries. If memory serves me right, dating can be fun. So get to it. Taller, darker and more handsome awaits.

When I Grow Up

The July 2010 issue of Vanity Fair features a brief and brilliant interview with Charlie Rose. Usually the one asking the questions, it’s no surprise he answers with much insight, though few words. I recommend you find a copy and spare 5 minutes to read this exchange if nothing else.  Floss tomorrow instead, or Maury can wait (you’re not the baby's daddy either). One of my favorite questions and answers (I have a top 10), was this:

Question: What is your favorite occupation? Answer: Mine.

Marvelous! When have you ever heard that? Sure you’ve heard people say they love their job. I loved mine. But is what you do (when you’re doing it), your favorite occupation?

A few years ago, (give or take), you probably wanted to be a ballerina, or explorer, or inventor, or Batman, when you grew up. 

You grew up. Welcome. But are you what you wanted to be? Is this were you saw yourself in 10 years?  

Most of us, unfortunately, seldom end up living the dream we dreamed. We take a job that was available, which becomes a job that’s enjoyable. The job you like becomes something you’re good at and (snap fingers here), before you know it, you fell head first into a whole 20+ year career. Just like that.

It’s likely you got here by being practical and playing it safe. You need to earn to live the life you want. To earn you need work. So work was the priority. Not necessarily what the work was.  For most of us what we wanted (job description) took a back seat to what we needed (actual job).

But you’re not working anymore. So what next?

Well, you can take the high road. You can be very practical and continue in the vein you’re on. This way all those years of experience you’ve accumulated to date, work to your benefit. If you’re challenged by the idea of getting back to doing what you wanted, once you find a job, save specially towards making a break for it and give it a try in 24 months.

But if you don’t mind getting a little dirty on the low road, you can use this time off to take a leap of faith and start fresh. Apply for the job you want, no experience and nothing but a dream. (That should make for a nice cover letter). Go for it. Do what you always wanted and be happy doing it. Make your favorite occupation yours. After all, dreams are meant to become realities.  I will be Batman. Why? Because I dreamed of saving the world. And I’m fabulous in latex and leather.

Seeking Silver Linings

Missed me? I missed you too. (Assuming you said yes, not that there’s any other answer). I was sick for a bit and didn’t write. (Apologies). But what I did do and I did lots of it I might add, is watch. World news, local news, sitcoms, series and movies. The tragic, the gory, the funny, the sorrowful and the strange. I watched it all. Observing helps you to see things from another view. While you’ve been busy throwing yourself a pity party for one, the world kept spinning and things kept happening.  And do you know what that means? It’s not only about you.

Ok, I just lost half of you. But if you’re still reading, first of all thanks and now let me explain.

Unemployment is lonely. It’s something you have to endure alone. While others will help in every and any way they can (when you let them), you alone bear the burden. Being laid off with a group of former colleagues  won’t make it any less lonely either, because although the next person may understand what not working is like, your financial, spiritual and emotional situation is unique and efforts to help may only further isolate you. Still, if you have group support as an option, take it.

In that loneliness, it’s easy to become a bit self-absorbed, thinking only of yourself and your current situation.  They did you wrong. What happened wasn’t fair. How can that dimwit still have a job and you, with twice the brain and three times the effort have none? I know. This, while being part of the process, is an unproductive part of the process, so the faster you can get past this stage, the better. Don’t skip it altogether though, venting and a good old fashioned cry have their place. Just don’t stay in that mode for a year. You’ll miss a lot. 

Keep it in perspective and focus on the positive. Did you sigh, roll your eyes and shake your head? Yeah, I did too. Everyone says this and all you think to yourself is, ‘they don’t get it’. It may seem that way but actually, those ‘accentuate the positive’ people, do get it and they are right.

Watched the news recently? I dare you to take in an hour and not cry. Earthquakes, flooding, people homeless and hungry.  It’s dismal and it’s everywhere and all around. But unless it’s your reality, which if you’re on a computer and online and reading a blog, I doubt it is, you’ve already got a lot to be grateful for. 

If you can read this, you’ve got electricity. It’s a bit leaky but there’s a roof over your head. The rug may be worn but there’s a floor under your feet.  Your beef is of the corned variety and your tuna came from a can, but if you ate a meal today, no matter how small, you did better than more than 1.2 billion others. I can keep going but that would defeat the purpose. Make your own list. 

Take 5 minutes when you're feeling a bit low and write a list of all the things you're grateful for. Keep it for the day but not longer. This way you can change it up and write  different things. It can be basic (food), broad (the ocean), simple (spouse), or trivial (my shoe collection), be grateful.

Still don’t feel like smiling today? That’s ok. Grumpy is part of the process too. But before you get carried away and throw yourself a permanent pity party, I’d like to point out that you’re unemployed, not dead and life is good.  Keep living.